I am usually very tolerant with people but when I need space, I try to keep away, but unfortunately, I still find it very hard in saying no. Then the sweet laid back May is gone and the very mean May make her appearance. Unfortunately, most people have a cruel streak in them.. Me included.
So, I should really be apologetic for my previous rant about a certain someone or someones. It is entirely my fault that I started lashing out at people around me.
I have always been very tolerant with a certain friend. Truth be told, I liked her, right from the start. She's always been sweet and kind and for that I have always thought it is OK to tolerate a lot of her behaviour. Unfortunately, she's always had a problem or two with her health which of course made me feel concerned and even more obliged to try and help her in any way.
Unfortunately, with things happening in my life, in the last month or so, I had less time to be more sympathetic and more time to let resentment grow. Her behaviour from past which I thought was OK, starts grating on me. When she's healthy or feeling ill, I still felt her demands are always the same. Very expectant of others because Hey! I am ill! So, dibs on this and that first. I really don't think it's fair to use your illness on everything. I used the word lazy in my previous rant, but perhaps, I should have used the word expectant. Very expectant that someone else will always pick up after her. Yep! I felt really used. We are all equals here, why do we always feel the need to always accommodate one individual...
I have family and friends who are ill and never had I feel any anger or resentment towards them. I've always been sympathetic, unfortunately, when one starts stating that I am judging them because of their invisible illnesses, it kind of boggles me. I especially admire those who are ill and kept quiet about their illnesses, so as not to be judged or be treated differently from others. Then you find out and it's like.. Wow!! I never knew.. But wow! Respect! .. but then, of course there are others that like to advertise all the time about how ill they are.
But truly, is there really any excuse for bad behaviour? Does it allow them to always have the best of everything while being a guest at someone's house time after time? Is it OK to use their visible 'illness' (ok.. I wouldn't even call it an illness if it's the way you live) to make excuses for bad behaviour - Every behaviour and why she does something? Yep! There's an excuse for everything. I guess I started to resent that. Not because of her illness. I've walked a lot with her, walking her pace and not minding it one bit and I've never ever cared for any explanation in regards to that.
While I type this out, I really have to admit, I do feel guilty. Not being able to express myself right from the start, and not being able to form words to explain why I wasn't happy and why I have been so stressed and letting small bad behaviours I never used to mind piled up into a mountain. One teeny spark, from a certain something or someone and everything just went up in flames. Maybe this is my mid-life crisis. (If not, then I'm screwed! I am so not looking forward to another resentment holding me!)
I do feel really sorry if it has caused her more distress, but I wish, she would stop advertising everything she does on Facebook. Maybe I need to stop using it so much but when I was having my mini break down and needing time off from everyone, it doesn't help that I felt she was rubbing my face in with every little bibs and bobs she's doing with every Mary, Jane & Susie! Then the thought suddenly occurred to me. Maybe she did all these not because she wants everyone to be envious about what a great life she leads but because deep down, she's actually trying to convince herself...
So, I just had a face palm moment and I'm going to stop ranting and try and to be more tolerant.. I didn't start this blog to air my anger and resentment towards people I know. It's supposed to be about fun happy things.. Things I enjoy which I can read back and remember all the good, fun happy memories I've experienced...
But as the hubby keeps reminding me.. "You ladies have nothing to do and have too much time on your hands. You spend too much time gossiping!" *Shame faced*
Anyway, Peace Out!